Anyway, it's a problem. Like, today for instance, my imaginary argument lasted for an hour. I could have been doing something much more productive in my mind.
...
Not sure what.
Something that gets me arguing a lot with people in the imaginary realm is this idea I learned in my motivational interviewing class called "the righting reflex." The righting reflex is the tendency to want to correct or fix someone's flaws, often without any regard for that person's input or point of view. It can come from a loving place and/or a condescending place. Either way, it is almost always met with defensiveness by the person needing to be "fixed" and has the potential to drive wedges in relationships. In other words, the righting reflex is ineffective at creating or motivating the desired change.
The book on motivational interviewing...
This one. Buried deep in a box somewhere in my in-laws garage.
...urges in no unclear terms to never work from this mindset as a therapist. There must be genuine empathy and support for self-efficacy before working with a client to discover those destructive habits. The righting reflex undermines everything.
And this modality (Motivational Interviewing) is the most effective therapeutic approach to treating substance abuse; a group of people who clearly are doing things to mess up their lives. Even in cases where it seems obvious or a person's welfare/life/soul is at stake, you go amiss by trying to fix things.
Here are some statements that should be red flags to let you know you might be working or on your way to working from the right reflex:
"The reason he has this problem is because ______."
"All she needs to do is _____ and then this would stop being a problem."
"I'm so worried about them. I think if they would just _____ things would get better."
"There's something wrong with her."
"I don't know what to do about him."
(I'm familiar with these statements both as the person needing to be fixed and as the fixing person. I must say though that the former situation leads to the...
imaginary arguments.)
You see how in every single one of these statements the person of interest is the outsider? Even if those are just thoughts, the person is separate and almost objectified. And you might be absolutely right in your assessment. Maybe Jessica really does need to just confront the person in her imaginary argument instead of wasting an hour of her day. Maybe she does need to work through these issues with a therapist because it's a weird issue and beyond your help. But unless she feels understood and listened to, she'll be reluctant to take your suggestions.
Optional steps:
1. If it's someone you hardly know or don't actually care about, stop being weird and leave him alone.
2. If it's someone you actually know and care about, and you haven't asked for her perspective, ask. Listen. Try to step into her shoes. It might be hard but try.
3. Reflect back your understanding to see if you have it right. She'll let you know if you don't.
4. Express empathy for his struggles even if those struggles seem self-inflicted. We all have self-inflicted struggles and they still suck.
5. If you feel up to it or it's within your ability, ask if there's anything you can do to help.
6. Keep being a supportive friend/parent/sibling/spouse. Remember, you are supporting the person who is struggling, and supporting the person does not mean you condone their behavior.
***** If it's a person who is abusing you or others, ignore all of this. Make sure you and others are safe. You have no obligation to listen to someone who will hurt you.******
At some point in these steps, the person may ask for advice. If you have a pretty good relationship where they feel listened to and loved, it may be a good time to give advice even if they haven't asked (e.g., "Have you ever considered therapy?") It can be really frustrating to see loved ones make poor decisions, but remember that the reflex to fix them won't work. It's not science, but doing your best to see people as people instead of problems to be fixed goes a long way.
